Lawrence and I were AMAZING travel mates! We were completely compatible!! We loved and hated the same things, had a rhythm that we both were comfortable with and.....we absolutely LOVED being in each other’s company the most, so no matter what we did...we enjoyed it! Our trips, whether local, domestic or international were always so fun as we embraced the adventure fully and together!!
After Lawrence died I could not imagine doing anything without him, especially travelling internationally. In fact, any thought of travelling triggered extreme nausea, making me feel like my stomach had been punched and like I would throw up, if I let myself carry those thoughts, farther than a few moments! It made me so sad I could hardly breath or stay in my skin.
About 4 months after his tragic death, I was told about a learning tour, to China, being offered by a church friend, who although she lives in Rosthern, she works for Mennonite Partners In China and travels back to China a few times/year. She and her family lived and worked in China, for close to 20 years and all of her family speak fluent Mandarin. Jeanette, Todd (Hanson) and their two beautiful daughters moved back to Rosthern the year Lawrence and I moved there. There is no doubt that Jeanette is the perfect person to guide us through China and teach us about the culture and history! The mention of this trip being organized, lit a tiny spark of interest in me. If I sat with ‘the thought’ too long, I was filled with sadness and had to leave it alone! Although neither Lawrence or I were ‘tour-type travellers’, I was acutely aware that my previously loved travelling styles and days had taken a 180 degree turn from the days of yore. If I ever wanted to travel again, I knew it would HAVE to be done differently! The pain of this truth was searingly painful!
When dear friends, Brian and Delilah Roth, along with Lawrence’s cousin, Ralph & Bev Epp said they were interested in going on this trip, I decided to attend a gathering to listen and learn more about it.
As we sat looking at a giant table map and listened to the places we would see, along with the experiences we would have, I was drawn into the potential adventure and for the FIRST TIME since Lawrence’s death, I felt myself feeling some traces of ‘travel excitement’. This felt good but also, bad.....because I was feeling this, genuine excitement at the thought of an adventure WITHOUT Lawrence, which was weird and unsettling! As we came to the end of the tour description, which ends in Shanghai, I saw ‘Thailand’, on the map and asked Jeanette ‘how expensive and how hard would it be to travel to Thailand, from Shanghai. She enthusiastically said, “Soooo easy and soooo cheap”. In that moment of spontaneity and being governed by some compelling, clear, inner guidance I said, “ I think I’m going to go on this trip and then I am going to Thailand! I’ll rent a bamboo bungalow on an island beach and contemplate my life!” Everyone was shocked (including myself!!) but it was just so clear to me, that this was what I was ‘supposed’ to do! Interestingly, if Lawrence had not died, that horrible July day, we had been talking about the ‘big’ trip we would take, that year.....the choices were Italy, Greece or Thailand! I truly felt like Lawrence was guiding me to go! I still feel that!
After that surprising proclamation, I experienced SIGNIFICANT (and I do mean SIGNIFICANT) doubts!! Yet....this ‘calm clarity’, from within, kept propelling me toward this Asian adventure! At first my daughter, Michelle, excitedly said she would join me in Thailand, which was super cool and reassuring! We began thinking that it would be fun if Laura could also join us, for a ‘girl’s trip’!! Unfortunately, it was not in the cards for Laura, but Michelle remained clear that she could join me in Thailand! As booking for the trip became closer to reality, Michelle’s work life changed and she was not able to take the time off! I was left to decide whether I would go or stay!! I began to think of the group trip, to China, as way for me to ‘bridge’ my past (travelling life) to my present one....with the company and support of friends! Although the sadness remained stifling and profound, I somehow felt strongly that I NEEDED to do this. I was also compelled, from within, to go to Thailand even though it meant going solo. What a weird feeling to feel terrified at the thought of this, yet simultaneously feeling like I ‘have to do this’!
So.....I booked flights to China for the group tour and from China to Bangkok, for my first major (over the ocean) international solo trip! Then.....I put this whole thing on a back burner, with only brief moments of connecting to what I had done, because.....I could not think about it!
Well....the time came, on the heels of returning from Salt Lake City on Sunday night, and this morning (at 6:00 AM) a group of 11 Rosthern/Hague/Saskatoon people boarded a plane to Vancouver (where I am currently typing this post)! We have a 6 hr layover and will be flying out to Beijing, later this afternoon!!
We have three weeks of sharing ‘off the regular tourist track’ experiences, throughout China, with a total group of 27 people! Then, on October 27, after our Saskatoon crew heads back home, I will fly to Bangkok, on my own! 😬
I am terrified.....if I think about it, I feel like I can’t breathe! So, I can’t really think about it.....I have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other to move toward this solo adventure, until I get there! Then, I have to continue taking the experiences I will encounter, one step at a time.....
Moving toward the source of one’s fear is VERY hard....very overwhelming. Yet, realize I have lived each day, since Lawrence died, with engulfing terror and sadness. This trip definitely takes it up a notch or two, because it means having to face my gripping fear (aloneness and sorrow) in a strange land with no one I know to offer grounding or comfort!
My goal for Thailand is to spend a few days in Bangkok and then find a ‘bamboo bungalow’ on a Thai island beach, where I will look at the ocean...read...look at the ocean...journal...look at the ocean...go for daily massages....look at the ocean...eat delicious Thai food....look at the ocean....quietly contemplate my new reality of living life, without-my-most-favourite-person-physically-beside-me and celebrate my 60th Birthday, alone, reflectively gazing at the vast ocean, which symbiotically represents my life.....wide open, overwhelming and needing to be faced and redesigned.
As I type this, my chest feels tight with the stress of this terrifying adventure I have thrown myself into! I must remember to breathe deeply.....use my oils for emotional balancing....and trust that.....
‘All is well. All is as it needs to be. All is well.’
